Liabilities

Last night, I celebrated Soul Sister's birthday with some of the Fab 5 and Life Partner. After drinking the Greek Goddess' homemade ambrosia, I felt empowered to reveal the Trophy Wife Resolution to the group.  

I appealed at the altar of the Greek Goddess for her Athena-like wisdom.  "We and your Alpha Male love you the way you are," said the Greek Goddess, a replica of Aphrodite. "Why are you doing this?"

Life Partner, who was sitting next to me as good life partners do, sympathetically patted my leg. 

Oy veh. My Jewish mutha said the SAME THING when I was completely masked in the eyepatch, headgear and brace apparatus.  I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like characters in Kurt Vonnegut's Harrison Bergeson. 

I described why I needed to make the Trophy Wife Resolution.  I want to feel and live better. I need to get in better shape, get rid of my Blue Lagoon eyebrows, stop eating Maypo every night...

"What the hell is Maypo?  ALPO for Jews?," asked the Greek Goddess.

Since there's an obvious need for clarification, here's an outline of my liabilities and areas requiring significant improvement:

Diet

• Not only is eating cookies and Maypo (which is an oatmeal concoction that I can only have with 1/4 tsp of kosher salt and butter EVERY night) as the main nutrients in my diet a problem, I need to start eating something before 3:00 p.m. every day.  Mornings and afternoons are rushed, resulting in a feeding frenzy that commences in the afternoon and goes into the wee hours of the night.  High blood pressure and diabetes are my ghosts of Christmas future.

Vitamins

• I am supposed to be taking a litany of vitamins, especially since I have osteopenia, the precursor to osteoporosis.  I'm not even in my 40s. On my current course, I will resemble Quasimodo at 50.  I hate pills. Someone needs to develop a vitamin patch or cookie.
  

Exercise

• Only happens when the dog walks me.  When I'm not shlepping kids everywhere, I'm feeding, cleaning, helping with homework and yes, even playing with them. In my spare time, I'm sedentary: working at a computer, visiting friends and spending time with Alpha Male.

Outer Beauty

• While I spent a good deal of my childhood and tween years as an Ugly Duckling, I evolved into a goose.  Beyond the Ronald MacDonald school of cosmetics and summer teen tour camp, no one else showed me how to really use make-up.  When I put on black eyeliner, I step out like a teenage Goth Queen.
• My skin care regimen consists of a cream purchased at a pet store.  It's used to relieve "chapped cow udders."
• Plastic surgery is not for me. In addition to the expense (see Cheap below), I'm highly risk adverse to anything that could potentially disable me from caring for my family or take me away from them.  (Please do not think I begrudge other women who take this path.  I support women who may need such surgery for physical and mental health reasons.)   
• While I've had some laser work in the past, my Jewish genes won't let me completely shed my Magilla Gorilla exterior.
• If I don't dye my hair, I look like Pepe Le Pew.  I use home kits.  Mensa Sista thinks I look like a rusted brillo mess. 

 Chronology 

• This year, I've officially reached "advanced maternal age."  My eggs are officially scrambled. 
• I am 7 days older (plus one during the leap year) than the Alpha Male.  By definition, trophy wives are traditionally much younger.  Lucky for me, the Alpha Male holds our life routine in high regard.

Cheap

• I refuse to spend more than $20 on jeans, most clothes or accessories for myself. Shop at consignment shops that resemble Ms. Haversham's closet.  Elderly women who wear fur coats in all seasons frequent the place, often resembling the antiques they are purchasing. Have found Oscar, Donna Karan, and Talbots there for as low as $1! I will buy my kids $30-$40 jeans.

•  Refuse to buy anything without negotiation, even at the grocery store.
• Frequent the town dump for "Swap" specials.

Style

• I am terrible at small talk.  I can't talk beyond a sentence about the weather because it's never a news flash to anyone.  Not the best business party wife.
• Although I've avoided the sweat pants, my hair is usually disheveled. I have looked homeless on occasion in public. Once I wore my pajamas to the grocery store when the kids were young because I was too tired to realize that I was still in them.

Next Up:  Last Indulgences