Day of Reckoning

I come from a long line of people who have made pharmaceutical companies rich due to their polite negligence of useful medical advice. I admit that I have followed somewhat in suit.

After seeing me for five years, my doctor has become accustomed to setting aside 10 of the 15 allotted minutes of my appointment for my chief complaints. Ten minutes of whining is significant when you consider what a good job my doctor does cutting me off at the pass:

Me: I think I'm going through early menopause.

Doctor: Seriously? You're not even 40.

Me: I've been getting more headaches and some migraines during my period. I'm also getting moodier.

Doctor: What else is new? (She types a prescription for migraines into the computer.)

Aside from the usual whining this year about why I gained an extra five pounds and shrunk another half inch, I expected my annual doctor visit to be unremarkable. As I reported earlier, I'm eating healthier by consuming more vegetables from the cooperative farm. A recent bone density scan showed that the osteopenia in my right hip has resolved, as a probable result of my daily vitamin D supplementation. My blood test results were all within normal limits. My cookie consumption has also decreased by 70% (since I need to account for the extra ice cream).

With such strides, I thought I'd get out of the appointment in ten minutes since it took me half the time to complain. Until my doctor announced:

"You're on the verge of becoming diabetic."

Now imagine a middle-aged white, freckle-faced Jewish mom with a fro sitting wrapped in a napkin gown doing her best Different Strokes' Gary Coleman impression.


Whatcha talking about Willis?




Apparently, my fasting blood sugar numbers have been increasing 20 points per year over the past three years. My blood sugar was also fifteen points away from being considered borderline diabetic. Oh and did I mention that my cholesterol is at 140?

Damn cookies.

After receiving a harangue about how I need to space out my feedings and cut down on the sugar, it's obvious the Trophy Wife Resolution really needs to be taken seriously. My quality of life depends on it.