Merry Crapmas: Death, Plague, Warts and the Mark Left by He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

We weren't in the car more than an hour when Merry Crapmas began. Here's the top 10 list:

1. One hour into our 7 hour trek to see Santa and family, we got a call that Alpha Male's 90-something year old Granny died. Such news compounded the loss of Alpha Male's father a short six months ago.
2. We arrive at the house and learn that my in-laws' dog has been vomiting and suffering from diarrhea for 3 days. After a vet consult, we learned the dog had Giardia, a bacteria that can pass to humans.
3. One bathroom. 12 plus people. 1 dog with diarrhea and vomit. We got a hotel for three nights. It didn't help. (Please see #4-#7.)
4. I contracted several plantar warts from my niece.
5. 4th Stooge yelling to his cousin on Sunday every hour, "Stop taking my toys or I will Kung Fu you!"
6. Alpha Male received a gash right across his forehead resembling Harry Potter's scar after trying to give a kiss and hug to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.
7. Hermione Granger became violently ill the night before the funeral. I opened the shower curtain to help her while she puked in the adjacent toilet. She turned her head for a minute, and better than Linda Blair in the Exorcist, she puked on me while I was in the shower.
8. Missed Granny's funeral because I needed to tend to poor, sick Hermione Granger. We were both sad and disappointed that we both didn't get to pay our last respects -- and eat at the Olive Garden.
9. As a Jew, I inherently abhor open casket funerals. Yet, I genuinely missed seeing Granny's last request: being buried in pink lingerie so she could spend her eternal rest "sleeping" next to her husband.
10. Drove back to find our neighborhood covered in ice. We have wonderful neighbors who spent hours slaving to shovel the ice in our driveway so we could pull in and not have to do it at midnight. Priceless friends.

Granny was the quintessential grandmother you'd see posted on a box of buttermilk or cookies. She could tempt you to do anything for one of her chocolate peanut butter eggs. Most importantly, her heart was one of the first and few that welcomed me initially into the family. (The Alpha Male had dated rural/suburban G-d fearing Aryan women in the past. When he brought the Jewish city girl who had worn an eye patch to meet the family, they thought he was going through a phase.)

"You have a good girl," she'd often remind Alpha Male.

While we were living in sin, I became pregnant. His family was not thrilled. Granny was the only and first person in Alpha Male's family to happily say (and shock the rest of the Alpha Male's family), "Oh, that's great dear! Your aunt came by the same way with your grandfather and me. It worked out well for us for more than 50 years." Of course, there was no other obvious choice for Granny than to be buried in pink lingerie.

From someone who has done the NYC Time Square and city New Year's Eve parties, my best New Year's Eve was the time we spent with Granny at her assisted living facility. We celebrated at noon. A fair had brought itself to her assisted living facility. We rode horse drawn carriages, ate peach and ice cream parfaits all day, had people pull out chairs for us and bring us food, rode in classic antique cars, and listened to band music. I thank Granny for introducing me to the wonderful world of assisted living, as I often think I could use it now. Until then, she's given me something to look forward other than Alzheimer's in my golden years.

Granny, you will be sorely missed and are deeply loved.

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