Day of Reckoning

I come from a long line of people who have made pharmaceutical companies rich due to their polite negligence of useful medical advice. I admit that I have followed somewhat in suit.

After seeing me for five years, my doctor has become accustomed to setting aside 10 of the 15 allotted minutes of my appointment for my chief complaints. Ten minutes of whining is significant when you consider what a good job my doctor does cutting me off at the pass:

Me: I think I'm going through early menopause.

Doctor: Seriously? You're not even 40.

Me: I've been getting more headaches and some migraines during my period. I'm also getting moodier.

Doctor: What else is new? (She types a prescription for migraines into the computer.)

Aside from the usual whining this year about why I gained an extra five pounds and shrunk another half inch, I expected my annual doctor visit to be unremarkable. As I reported earlier, I'm eating healthier by consuming more vegetables from the cooperative farm. A recent bone density scan showed that the osteopenia in my right hip has resolved, as a probable result of my daily vitamin D supplementation. My blood test results were all within normal limits. My cookie consumption has also decreased by 70% (since I need to account for the extra ice cream).

With such strides, I thought I'd get out of the appointment in ten minutes since it took me half the time to complain. Until my doctor announced:

"You're on the verge of becoming diabetic."

Now imagine a middle-aged white, freckle-faced Jewish mom with a fro sitting wrapped in a napkin gown doing her best Different Strokes' Gary Coleman impression.


Whatcha talking about Willis?




Apparently, my fasting blood sugar numbers have been increasing 20 points per year over the past three years. My blood sugar was also fifteen points away from being considered borderline diabetic. Oh and did I mention that my cholesterol is at 140?

Damn cookies.

After receiving a harangue about how I need to space out my feedings and cut down on the sugar, it's obvious the Trophy Wife Resolution really needs to be taken seriously. My quality of life depends on it.

Day 1 & 2: A Painfully Slow Start

While I typically like to hit the ground running with any new venture, I've gotten off to a painfully slow start this year with the Trophy Wife Resolution. Instead of throwing out all the cookies in the house, I ate them all for lunch yesterday and today. New Year's Day consisted of eating the Jewish American Princess's caramel cake, apple pie and a few cups of ice cream.

Here's the good news: We laughed a lot with the Jewish American Princess and her family catching up on Merry Crapmas. I took a shower this weekend and managed to choke down a calcium / vitamin D pill the past two days.

If I keep this up, I may be able to "earn" my bone density scan in May. (My doctor refused to give it to me last time since I did nothing to improve my skeletal shape.)

I spoke with my Best Pal I Made Gay (Please see Cast of Characters below)tonight to discuss the meaning of life and how we are going to achieve it. I told him about the Trophy Wife Resolution and he asked for my stats. I shared the sordid details: 120 plus pounds, 5'1" and shrinking, fitting 10 pounds of sausage in my 5 pound pants, Blue Lagoon eyebrows, Magilla Gorilla body hair, Pepe Le Pew hairstyle, etc.

The Best Pal I Made Gay gave me brutually honest advice: He told me to throw out all my cookies. I told him I bought a bag on New Year's Eve and I made sure they were all eaten by today. He told me to buy exercise videos. Some are on hold at the library. He told me to get facials every month. I reminded him I've never had a facial in my life.

"People think that Hobbit Frodo Baggins is cute, before he started wearing the ring. What's worse is you're turning into that other Hobbit. It's nice to have Sam-wise's personality, you just don't want to look like him," he said.

Tomorrow school and work starts again. I'll detail my day, what I've accomplished, and why you need to steer clear of some of the GNC multi-vitamin packages.

I'm taking baby steps folks. I'm just using fetus feet.