Jewish Mutha Challenge

My Jewish Mutha and Fatha were good enough to travel across five states to see us for a little more than 24 hours.

Although both of my children are repulsed by blood and do not have the stomach for a career in medicine, they now have a working knowledge of diabetes Type II, spinal stenosis, von Willebrand's disease, irritable bowel syndrome, bursitis, arthritis, and the latest: restless leg syndrome. As a result of my mother's medical history, I've learned to create a new box and check "All of the Above and To Be Determined" under family medical history diseases and conditions on my health forms.

After I heard about restless leg syndrome (a condition I'm sure that was contrived by the LA Law actor Corbin Bernsen to help resurrect his career), I felt the Jewish Mutha needed some motivation to help overcome her Jewish Mutha's Munchausen's syndrome. (Jewish Mutha Munchausen's Syndrome, which is still an evolving definition, is a disease or condition that can only be kvetched and perpetrated like no one else but a Jewish mother.)

Like me, I know my Jewish Mutha needs external motivation. Unlike me, she is a master at manipulating the means to achieve a different kind of end.

Case in point: A few years back, both of my parents hired a personal trainer to get in better shape. I thought it was a terrific idea until I noticed that the trainer stayed after their sessions to share a snack. Shortly afterwards, the snack turned into lunch. After awhile, we all looked forward to the trainer coming over because we could expect a seven course meal after his visit.

To help my mom alleviate the stresses of her many health complications, I knew I'd have to put her to a challenge. She likes a dare and like me, doesn't like to lose.

For years, I've suspected she has sleep apnea. She has all the classic symptoms: can't sleep well at night (she'll blame her herniated discs), fatigue during the day, gets up several times at night to use the bathroom, restless turning and tossing, and the cacaphony of sounds that accompany someone who can't sleep well. With all the research showing how a lack of sleep affects metabolism and can be a precursor for heart disease among a myriad of other complications, correcting sleep apnea is relatively easy fix for treating a lot of other issues, including restless leg syndrome.

The Jewish Mutha has until the end of the summer to get a sleep apnea test while her health insurance is still good. If she does so -- no matter what the tests reveal -- the kids and I will travel five states to spend the week at her Villa Villekulla (Note: see Pippi Longstocking).

"But, it won't cure me," she says. While that's true for now, there are many interventions available to help alleviate symptoms in the meantime. I want my kids to have their grandma around when the go to college and get married. I want her to not only have a long life, but also a long health span. After all, who else is going to listen to ME kvetch?

In the midst of this, the Jewish Fatha dispensed his newest trick for cleaning stainless steel appliances by using a few drops of baby oil on a rag. I will get back to you on that one.

How Jewish Mothers Kick Asian Tiger Mothers' Ass (and Their Kids' Butts too)

After reading Amy Chua's Wall Street Journal article (click blog post title for article), "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," I coincidentally had my own run-in with Hermione Granger. True to form, Hermione Granger is always right. Life comes easy to her. She masters difficult skills quickly from math to piano to ballet. Her instructors and teachers often remind her how bright and talented she is, reminding her she could be come a "star" in anything she pursued. She has a lot of friends and kids genuinely like her.

Unlike how I spent my childhood, she does not wear headgear, an eye patch or have crazy hair.

Yet, Hermione Granger can't be wrong. During our parent teacher conference, I was told Hermione Granger often corrects her teacher when she has the wrong answer to a problem. "Are you sure you got that right Mr. M?"

This does not make a WASP father proud.

Now that she is studying for an upcoming national exam, she needs to take practice tests on the computer every night, which give her an instant grade and feedback about her progress. When I saw she got a score in the low 80s, I said she'd have to take it again.

"But I passed!'

Then, I pulled the Jewish/Chinese mother shtick, "Life isn't about passing. Do it again."

The tears and screaming persisted for about two hours. She wanted to do something else with her life. Hermione Granger wound up taking each of the practice tests about 4 times. I offered to help. She just screamed and slammed her fingers on the keyboard. I never raised my voice once, but I kept repeating the same thing over and over again, "Do it again until you get the score you are capable of getting." I just reminded her I knew she could do better and that she wouldn't leave the computer until she did.

Needless to say, she wound up getting 100% on the practice tests the first time she took them the next night.

While Jewish mothers would never think of calling their chosen children "garbage," they can nag and annoy their children to achieve a goal like no one else.

You can not break a Jewish mother. They will break you. (It's kind of like how I recently wrangled two Celtic tickets out of the car dealership.)

We are made of much more than challah and matzo ball soup. For the last few months, I was made out of cookies, but fortunately that seems to be changing.