"You Clean Up Nice"

After returning from a great Memorial Day Weekend trip in Ogunquit, Maine (thanks to a suggestion from my Life Partner), I was left with an undone mountain of laundry.

I picked up the only clean wearable item in my draw. It was a fading red $14 one-piece Old Navy dress that I bought about 10 years ago. I added a necklace with red stones that could have been found in a backyard and black sandals. I didn't even bother wearing a bra to hold in my newly diagnosed Cs http://trophywiferesolution.blogspot.com/2011/02/psyched-to-score-c.html.

Not exactly haute couture.

As the 4th Stooge and I were shopping at the pretentious Whole Foods, an acquaintance who forgot my name (but I knew hers), said, "My, you're all dressed up. You must be going to a party."

"No. It was just the only clean thing I could find that wasn't on my floor today," I replied. "But, thanks for the compliment."

She consciously ignored me as we walked past her in the other aisles and the 4th Stooge proceeded to walk around the store with his shirt on backwards.

The 4th Stooge's preschool teacher also asked if I was going to a party today. When I laughed and told him he was the second person to ask that question, he replied that he hardly ever makes such comments.

Obviously, I don't get out much. And I probably need to start dressing better.

Good news to report: By a stroke of good luck, we got a slot in the new CSA -- a local cooperative farm that where we'll be able to pick up fresh vegetables weekly. It should save me from the weekly Whole Foods runway fashion fiascoes.

Liabilities

Last night, I celebrated Soul Sister's birthday with some of the Fab 5 and Life Partner. After drinking the Greek Goddess' homemade ambrosia, I felt empowered to reveal the Trophy Wife Resolution to the group.  

I appealed at the altar of the Greek Goddess for her Athena-like wisdom.  "We and your Alpha Male love you the way you are," said the Greek Goddess, a replica of Aphrodite. "Why are you doing this?"

Life Partner, who was sitting next to me as good life partners do, sympathetically patted my leg. 

Oy veh. My Jewish mutha said the SAME THING when I was completely masked in the eyepatch, headgear and brace apparatus.  I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like characters in Kurt Vonnegut's Harrison Bergeson. 

I described why I needed to make the Trophy Wife Resolution.  I want to feel and live better. I need to get in better shape, get rid of my Blue Lagoon eyebrows, stop eating Maypo every night...

"What the hell is Maypo?  ALPO for Jews?," asked the Greek Goddess.

Since there's an obvious need for clarification, here's an outline of my liabilities and areas requiring significant improvement:

Diet

• Not only is eating cookies and Maypo (which is an oatmeal concoction that I can only have with 1/4 tsp of kosher salt and butter EVERY night) as the main nutrients in my diet a problem, I need to start eating something before 3:00 p.m. every day.  Mornings and afternoons are rushed, resulting in a feeding frenzy that commences in the afternoon and goes into the wee hours of the night.  High blood pressure and diabetes are my ghosts of Christmas future.

Vitamins

• I am supposed to be taking a litany of vitamins, especially since I have osteopenia, the precursor to osteoporosis.  I'm not even in my 40s. On my current course, I will resemble Quasimodo at 50.  I hate pills. Someone needs to develop a vitamin patch or cookie.
  

Exercise

• Only happens when the dog walks me.  When I'm not shlepping kids everywhere, I'm feeding, cleaning, helping with homework and yes, even playing with them. In my spare time, I'm sedentary: working at a computer, visiting friends and spending time with Alpha Male.

Outer Beauty

• While I spent a good deal of my childhood and tween years as an Ugly Duckling, I evolved into a goose.  Beyond the Ronald MacDonald school of cosmetics and summer teen tour camp, no one else showed me how to really use make-up.  When I put on black eyeliner, I step out like a teenage Goth Queen.
• My skin care regimen consists of a cream purchased at a pet store.  It's used to relieve "chapped cow udders."
• Plastic surgery is not for me. In addition to the expense (see Cheap below), I'm highly risk adverse to anything that could potentially disable me from caring for my family or take me away from them.  (Please do not think I begrudge other women who take this path.  I support women who may need such surgery for physical and mental health reasons.)   
• While I've had some laser work in the past, my Jewish genes won't let me completely shed my Magilla Gorilla exterior.
• If I don't dye my hair, I look like Pepe Le Pew.  I use home kits.  Mensa Sista thinks I look like a rusted brillo mess. 

 Chronology 

• This year, I've officially reached "advanced maternal age."  My eggs are officially scrambled. 
• I am 7 days older (plus one during the leap year) than the Alpha Male.  By definition, trophy wives are traditionally much younger.  Lucky for me, the Alpha Male holds our life routine in high regard.

Cheap

• I refuse to spend more than $20 on jeans, most clothes or accessories for myself. Shop at consignment shops that resemble Ms. Haversham's closet.  Elderly women who wear fur coats in all seasons frequent the place, often resembling the antiques they are purchasing. Have found Oscar, Donna Karan, and Talbots there for as low as $1! I will buy my kids $30-$40 jeans.

•  Refuse to buy anything without negotiation, even at the grocery store.
• Frequent the town dump for "Swap" specials.

Style

• I am terrible at small talk.  I can't talk beyond a sentence about the weather because it's never a news flash to anyone.  Not the best business party wife.
• Although I've avoided the sweat pants, my hair is usually disheveled. I have looked homeless on occasion in public. Once I wore my pajamas to the grocery store when the kids were young because I was too tired to realize that I was still in them.

Next Up:  Last Indulgences

Cast of Characters

Here's  the main cast of characters who will be intimately involved in my journey in one way or another:

Next of Kin


Alpha male: Great husband and father. Reads the Economist. Biggest WASP this Jewish girl could find.  My health care proxy. A good citizen.
Hermione Granger: Tween daughter who resembles and acts like the bronzed version of Emma Watson's Hermoine Granger. We haven't told her yet that she's smarter than both of her parents combined.  Alpha male's proxy.
The 4th Stooge: Son who spends 75% of the day acting like a light saber. The other 25% is spent coaxing him into participating in the activities of daily living, like teeth brushing.
Harvard Valedictorian: German Shepherd who is the valedictorian at Harvard's Canine Cognition Lab.  Plants family socks in backyard.  Barks and annoys neighbors.  Scared away a house stalker.  Snuggles with her human mom.

Where I Spawned From

Jewish mutha: Oy veh.  College psychology professor. She's an alcohol counselor named after an alcoholic drink.  Went to Woodstock. Invented Jewish Mutha Munchasen's.
The Artist: My brother, who makes a living off of being talented.  Helps with web site design changes since  the initial pink background induced seizures. I can't draw a stick figure with a ruler.
Mensa Sista: Artist, world traveler, rock star roadie and too many things to list.  .
Fatha: Dad, Jewish husband extraordinaire.

Honorable Mention


Best friend: Keeps me young by watching Twilight movies with me.  Only person in the world who will go Black Friday shopping with me every year and can call me at least justified 15 profanities at the end of the day.  Love unconditionally.  Encouraged me to start this blog.
The Therapist:  Business partner.  Will be back shortly from Europe to shrink me.
Shabby Chic and The Doctah:  Dear friends with exquisite taste in everything.  Both were unsuccessful in signing me up for a reality makeover show six months ago.  I am their Other Sister.
Best Pal I Made Gay: Every girl has a guy she dated that almost resulted in a perfect match, minus one big issue. In our case, I made him gay and unintentionally almost killed him by giving nasal drops instead of eye drops. Spent in an exciting evening in the emergency department, thanks to Blue Cross and Blue Shield. He's the Fred Astaire to my Ginger Rogers. Soul companion.
Life Partner: Earlier this week, Life Partner moved away from being my next door neighbor to 1.25 miles away. In past, have shared joys and pains while husbands work a lot.   Is still my half-way house.
D.C. Contingency: Includes best friend, the Hot Mama Marathon Runner (who has agreed to help train me for a May marathon from D.C.), and the Spainard.  We all lived for 6 months together in Washington, D.C. through the "best and worst of times."  The sphinx riddle we seek to solve in life is: Where is K.T.?

The "Fab 5":  Are all in a religious cult and live in my neighborhood.. The needed to bond with a token "chosen" person with the hopes of getting into the Promised Land. Til then, we drink and share a lot.  Soul Sister, Greek Goddess, Virgin Mary Magdalene, and Friend Who I Shared Another Life With are in this group. Cameo appearances will be made by the Fitness Guru, who is the Virgin Mary Magdalene's sister. Although I disappointed Fitness Guru in the past with my poor fitness and motivation performance in her class, she still talks to me. 

"The Book Club": The Therapist encouraged me to join.  A support group of sorts for literary aficionados.  We drink a lot too.  Eat gourmet food and snacks. Share our own autobiographical stories.  Composed of the Therapist, The Sage, The Curious Case of Benjamina Button., The Book Soul Sister and My Psychic Spy who Lives at the End of the World.
Miscellaneous and the many others who are too long to list: Will all be introduced in good time...


While it seems like being anonymous is a front, please keep in mind that reading this blog is intended to remind you of any mom you may know. She is your wife, sister, friend, mother, relative, or the postal woman. Maybe she's you.


Next Up: Liabilities